Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Early in the Year Ramblings...

I am up at work, that is why my new year goal is balance. I am constantly putting out fires and getting the actual work done is difficult. If I was the waitress in the pie shop I would be baking the 'I hate my job pie', lots of spicy peppers, Jack cheese, stir in whipped eggs and bake at 375 for an hour...serve with fresh fruit.
While I am catching up on news, since I have not posted forever; I received possibly, if not the worst Christmas gift ever given, the scale. Maybe it should be capital? The Scale, or all caps? THE SCALE. Maybe bold and underlined, really that's more like it. My dear Aunt gave me the largest scale in the world. It is causing some eating disorders in my grown kids. Every time they get in the bathroom they weigh themselves and then I have to hear about how much they weigh, or a comment regarding how much they weigh - all of the kids. Oh really, it is every adult that visits. It is because the scale is so large that you have to step on it to get to the toilet. Or my bathroom is so small you have the choice of stepping in the shower, or on THE SCALE or leap over THE SCALE and go to toilet...
Several years ago I had a free range guinea hog (he passed the pig status at about 2 years old) and for 11 years he lived primarily in the bathroom. Everyone who visited would talk to Homer while they were in the bathroom. Seriously, everyone. It was quite funny really and I thought I would write a book, "Conversations with the Pig". Anyway, the scale, or THE SCALE reminds me of this habit people have of talking out loud to unusual objects in bathrooms, or maybe it is just my family/friends, or my unusual objects in my bathroom...
THE SCALE truly delights me and makes me laugh every time I think about it. She must have seen pictures of me at our last family reunion and thinks by the size of the scale, I seriously need to lose weight! OR! I just thought of the significance of my goal of balance for the new year, and receiving a scale, THE SCALE! Sometimes the universe is not subtle, and God has a funny sense of humor.
Happy New Year.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream

Today, my oldest son is going to the funeral of a friend he has known from high school. There are things I wish I could save my children from experiencing. The tragic ending of a friend being one of them.

20 years next year I was the same age when I lost my best friend, her husband and their two darling babies. The weekend before, Kate and I sat in front of the corner market, in my car nursing our babies while her just a bit more than baby daughter (2year old) slept in her car seat. Life was perfect: warm summer night, conversations with an old friend, sliver moon and all the stars on display. Babies suckling as we caught up on all of the happenings of our older boys, our husbands, families. It was one of those quintessential evenings to be remembered a life time.

That's the thing about sudden death, you never know you are the only one going to be remembering. You may say goodbye, but you never mean it for the rest of your life. I wanted my tragic death stories, my mom when I was 15, my friends, my love to be enough. I have experienced the death, therefore my kids get to live without the fear of the phone call in the middle of the night. The knowledge that one moment in time, however long it was, has to be enough, enough mothering to get you by raising your children, grandchildren; enough love, enough laughter...

If one person has to bear tragedy, why should anyone else? Who indeed wants to be in 'the loser' club? Life is precious, no guarantees -
Here is to you Collin.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007


It is on toward the really great part of November, the giving of thanks:
1.) My kids
2.) My grandkids
3.) My friends
4.) My extended and extensive family
5.) My dog
6.) My retainer that lets me walk
7.) The ability to walk
8.) The ability to laugh
9.) My coastal life
10.) My breitenbush life
All inclusive, the ability to love, all the to be verbs. Happy Thanksgiving, may you be with the people you love, in the place you want to be - and He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has." ~ Epictetus ~

Wednesday, November 14, 2007


Courage is a fluid thing, nothing that is confined by a set ideology. Treating others well, loving kindness, it is all a walking work, in the moment and continual. I was writing about a partner in my Anais Nin quotes, but as I re-read it I thought really, life is about courage, and the courage to be transparent. To feel, to be - all those Shakespearean belief system, to be or not to be, it is truly the question. Are you in or are you out? And maybe not anything that concretely black or white...

The older I get the more questions I have. I only know, those truths - it is how you act with old people and kids, dogs and those beings more helpless than yourself. There is your true self. Who are you when you are by yourself, left to your own devices?

Monday, November 12, 2007

Aristotle's Brother

Here is to you,
The brilliant, the hilarious, the lover, the friend.
Here is to you. My moment, my passion, my missive, my breath.
Today is the official 4th year of your passing. The explosion of a comet.
I am here, looking upward at the sky, to see a path, a light,a glimmer of the past.
I am here. If I pause, if I falter, if I weep - it is only in reflection.
Truth is found over the heads of people in a crowd. Truth is found in the profound crinkle of your eyes. Truth is found, without words in your scent left in my pillow.
Here is to me, the lone survivor, keeper of the memory of us.
Here is to me.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Toast to the change of time

I spent the fall back hours deep in the forest, fire blazing in the cabin, door of the wood stove open. There was wine flowing and music, oh the music! Dancing, wild dancing of sheer joy was spontaneously started by like-minded friends. New friends and old friends meeting up and hitting it off. Savored, savory bit of time.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Autumn, feels like winter to me

It is the end of October, and it is cold to the bone, wet cold. It is dark when I walk in the morning now. I treasure the time. I have seen the moon shining on the ocean, so bright that I don't need street lights to walk under to see perfectly. The other morning there were shooting stars to wish upon. The night was so clear and crisp, breath taking.
It will be winter soon, and normally I fall into a slump for November, my month of the dead. Forget a day of the dead, mine is the entire month. I feel blessed, sacred this time entering into my dead month. I don't know why, maybe I am just too full to feel the deep sense of inertia that hits me. I am full of work, of children, grand children, of early morning walks on the ocean. I am but a bit of sand - there is a world bigger than me. Ocean.
My Tom died on the 12th, Gramma the 13th, last term miscarriage on the 16th, mom on the 19th. Goodness of the month: my baby boy was born on the 3rd, my tia on the 13th, dear meln the 15th, and baby girl on the 27th. My life has always been chinese sweet and sour. Happy and sad equally mixed, and just is, order carry out...
Here is to crisp apples, warm drinks, good friends and music in the month of the dead. Cheers.